Thursday, October 31, 2013

Go there, not knowing where, Find that, not knowing what

Shrink yourself down into the ocean,
Reach deep down for the stars,
Follow the road before beginning,
Grow the roots above the sky,
Fall apart into wholeness,
Come back to the future,
Dissolve into a form,
Think emotions into life,
Believe the box into endlessness,
Catch timelessness with a clock,
Hear a clap with one hand,
Fish a bird from the pool,
Stand walking,
Step out of this moment,
Kill yourself and don't be a killer,
Be a slave to the mind consciously,
Enjoy bitterly,
Dry yourself with water,
Live in the moment of dying,
Grow in a degradation,
Widen into a molecule,
Let the time see you passing,
Know herself,
Shut up the silence,
Scream a taste,
Steal inner peace,
Support the air,
Pretend the innocence,
Judge out of the box,
Lose yourself finding,
Mindfully lead a death,
Surprise the riddle,
Wear eyes on your glasses,
Be in the safety of killing,
Be in danger of a home,
Lock your heart open,
Make a movement in stillness,
Love systematically,
Boil the water down to ice,
Sleep wide awake,
Love your nextdoor alien,
Be sweet like salt,
Glitter like a black hole,
Smile your sadness,
Fall down through imponderability,
Weigh the weightlessness,
Build a city from vacuum,
Follow your directions of my making,
Create yourself before you existed
And always be someone else.

How is my darkness?

So you ask me, how is the darkness,
You, who has never felt it before?

It is
when I am lower than my feet
It is
when I see monsters inside fellow humans
It is
when I turn into a monster myself
It is
when I feel a deep well leading into the darkness forever and ever inside my chest to the point that I can not feel anything - even the darkness - any more
It is
when I stare into the eyes of my best friend and know that she is as alien to me as a thousand light years away galaxy and she can not help, when I desparately need it
It is
when I keep the cry of a thousand voices in my chest silent
It is
when I fall so low that I have to gather my bones by pieces and assemble them together to make up what I don't even know what looks like – me
It is
when I hear my mother call me a bitch and drag me by the hair across the long apartment corridor
It is
when I am beaten by a belt with a metal plaque to make me know that
I shouldn't speak!
I shouldn't speak!
I shouldn't speak!
It is
 when I am told to shut up and be silent every day of my life
It is
when I know the rule of being obedient so well that I am ready to vanish in my obedience
It is
when I hear my parents say that happiness does not really exist
It is
when I hear my parents say that such a girl like me is not needed to anyone
It is
when I am being told that I am pathetic and do not have a right for sadness when I cry
It is
when I hate the others on the inside as if they were insects, ribbed, disgusting, disdainful, noones
It is
when my classmates' laughter follows me like a poisonous vermin and stings me every time I make a movement
It is
when my teachers betray my brightest hopes and leave them shattered without a sense of resentment
It is
when I see a sunrise blank through and inside out
It is
when it looks like there is nothing on the outside to live for
It is
when I am fighting for my sanity alone in a circle of enemies with friendly smiles
It is
when «dear» ones can not help but hurt
It is
when I deminish myself down into a fly, into a molecule, into an atom, into nothing... as I am told I already am nothing
It is
when i hate myself and all the nonsense i am speaking knowing I am supposed to be happy and not supposed to at the same time.
It is
when i meet myself in my darkest dreams holding a knife ready to stab my own heart
 It is
when I say DAMN IT with such intensity as if it is going to burn me on the place from the inside
It is
when I hear the songs of far away roads die slowly in my heart
It is 
when I watched my friends liveliness fade away in front of my eyes
It is
when I am so hungry for touch that my whole body turns into a fire of lustful desire and pain

It is
when I feel empty like an empty bowl with air sucked out from its bottom
It is
when I felt a black hole in my chest devouring every object around it
It is
when I am hugged only at the verge of an emotional breakdown
It is
when my mom tells me «I love you»  only when I ask for it
It is
when I stay away from home in order to be safe
It is
when I live in one apartment with four garpias
It is
when I feel so lonely as if I am a single star in outer space
It is
when I earn money to heal the depression that my family does not see
It is
when I feel like an invisible girl in a crowd
It is
when I write secret  letters to strangers just to say that my  feelings are real
It is
when I hid my tears from bullying and laughter of my parents

To you,
who has never seen me though looked at me many times,
To you,
who likes your comfort when I am smiling
To  you,
who asks me to live a life for you -
How can I tell it to you if a thousand words in black ink won't be enough to speak the darkness that filled me?
How can I show it to you if the vastest emptyness would not reach that emptiness inside me?
 How can I dance it to you if the movements of that dance will break my body?
How can I sing it to you if a voice of a thousand wells echoing will not create the tension that I felt in the air?
How can I paint it for you if the blackest black is not dark enough to color that darkness?
How can I be it if in the loneliness I have felt I do not exist?
How can I call it a name if all the letters of the languages of Earth gathered in one single sound will not be loud enough to scream it?
How can I do it for You if You don't believe in what You can see?
How can I trust You to see if You are looking through the millions of reflections of TV nonsense?
How can I bend to touch you if your hand is always running away?
How can I feel you from the inside for you?
I could beat you,
I could tear you apart
I could open up your ribcage and cut your heart out
I could put an endless TV screen in your head
I could promise you to be your friend and betray you
I could promise to teach you and forget about you
I could shut down every word you speak
I could dull down every idea you think
I could uproot you and leave you hanging by your own hair
I could scream swears into your ears every day
I could clutch your fists so that you can not move
I could shut your mouth so that you can not speak
I could give you a gift and take it back by a word
I could drive you crazy and leave you alone in a foreign town
 I could ban your happiness
 I could torture you for 22 years
And leave you knowing what the darkness is.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Along my street for oh, so many years

Along my street for oh,so many years

translation by Olga Komissarova

song by Alla Pugacheva,
poetry by Bella Ahmadulina
music by Michael Tariverdiev

Along my street for oh, so many years,
The sound of steps is heard - my friends are leaving.
The leaving slow of my beloved friends
That dark behind the windows is in need of.

Oh, loneliness, how harsh your grasp!
And sparkling with compasses of iron
How coldly do you close the circle's ends
So deaf to useless pleas that are futile now.

Let in your woods on toes to raise
On other end of slowly moving gesture,
To find the leaves and bring them to my face
And feel the sense of orphanhood as pleasure.

Oh, gift me quiet of your libraries,
Of your concerts motifs so strict and proper,
And wisely I will soon forget with ease
Those who are dead and who are living on now.

And I will know the wisdom and the grief,
The objects will convey their inner meaning,
The Nature leaning on my shoulders will
Announce the childish secrets of its keeping.

And only then - from tears and from the dark
And from the poor ignorance of times old
The dear features of my friends will spark
And then dissolve again into the void.

 Песня Аллы Пугачевой
Стихи Беллы Ахмадулиной
Музыка Микаэла Таривердиева

По улице моей который год

По улице моей который год
звучат шаги - мои друзья уходят.
Друзей моих медлительный уход
той темноте за окнами угоден.

О одиночество, как твой характер крут!
Посверкивая циркулем железным,
как холодно ты замыкаешь круг,
не внемля увереньям бесполезным.

Дай стать на цыпочки в твоем лесу,
на том конце замедленного жеста
найти листву, и поднести к лицу,
и ощутить сиротство, как блаженство.

Даруй мне тишь твоих библиотек,
твоих концертов строгие мотивы,
и - мудрая - я позабуду тех,
кто умерли или доселе живы.

И я познаю мудрость и печаль,
свой тайный смысл доверят мне предметы.
Природа, прислонясь к моим плечам,
объявит свои детские секреты.

И вот тогда - из слез, из темноты,
из бедного невежества былого
друзей моих прекрасные черты
появятся и растворятся снова.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I love you all

I love you all,
Progression is completing,
I love you truly with my open heart
I honestly admit I've been deceiving
You all with my acquaintance from the start.
I've been pretending to be everknowing,
I've been pretending to be evertrue,
The truth is I am simply as you going
Above this Earth and looking for it too.
For what? For something that's not fleeting.
For what? For something to hold on,
For what? For all we have been needing,
For one that's me, for place that's home.

I love myself

I love myself and truly understanding
What loving is
We only see the truth
We see the implication of the bending
Of heartfelt tears with a smiley tooth,
We live upon ourselves,
We live completely,
We live condemned to happiness for all,
For as we go outside it, it is keeping
The trace that leads us back throughout the fall.
We only can mistakingly acknowledge
The separation line between the two -
There is no suffering without the beauty
There are no tears without light shining through.
For we are all inevitably Onesome,
For we are true together in the doubt
For we don't see where future and the past is,
We make it up, we are just Here and Now.


We know of our mothers and our fathers,
We know of brothers who came out to write,
We know a lot - too much about the others,
About ourselves - not really, not quite.
We know not depth of our understanding
Because we hide it deep behind the bars
Of laughter and pretentious fake ascending
Instead of dealing simply with the task.
We know not love, for we don't let it blossom,
We know not laughter, for we hide the tears,
And so, according to the Holy Wholesome
We must let go and TRUTH FULL OUT RELEASE.

Let Go

We're dying slowly here in every moment,
Unless we fully deeply realize
That happiness is fleeting - it keeps flowing,
Without an end and, too, without disguise.
Though happiness's complete in its progression
There's something we can never ever know
And here's the only answer to the question -
Just trust it, be it, simply just LET GO.

We only have a moment

We only have a moment, just a chance
To see ourselves completely unrelated
To all that's going on inside the dance
Of life and love and totally embarce it.

Write You from a Big letter

"I love your braces" Eric de Barros

they say never judge a book by its cover
and in the same way don’t judge each other
by what we see with our eyes alone
but I can see straight through your bones,
I judge you all by your beautiful faces
I love your acne and your braces
I love your teeth with those gaping spaces
I love your muffin top and your big nose
I love your huge ears and your hairy toes
I love your laugh and how you snort
I love your moles and that big wart
I love you tall and love you short
I love your dimples and pimples and your lazy eye
I love your thighs and that one stye
I love the way you look when you cry
I love you because I know one day you’ll die
I love you in sickness and in health
I love you, because in your eyes I see myself.
they said never judge a book by its cover
and in the same way don’t judge each other
but we are the same person with different proportions
your face is mine, just with a beautiful distortion
your path is mine just from a different perspective
the route is different but to the same objective
and it goes to show, since love is infective
I want you to know now because tomorrow’s too late:
I could not be happier to judge you by your cover
because in your eyes I see my mother
I see my father and my brother
I see my best friend and my lover
I love your vaginas and dicks and all your butt cheeks
I love the way you stutter when you speak
I love how when you try not to sneeze, you squeak
I love your internal strength and your weak physique
I love your weirdness, you fucking freak!
you’ll never be original but you’re already unique.
so by your cover, I’ll keep judging you
because we’re already in love, no matter what you do.

 Write You from a Big letter

Write You from a Big letter,
Why not, if You could forget it?
That You equals I
And I am Alive
As much as You Do.
I see it True,
As much as you Hear
My Truth, that's near.
As much as You bloom,
I blossom too.
As much as We share -
I can't compare
Me to You
Because we live through
Each Other.
And every hour
Like my Mother
You are my Brother,
You are my Sister and my Father
For We are One and only Power.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A nest or a trap?

My home -
outside - a cosy nest,
Inside is filled with spikes.