Thursday, October 31, 2013

How is my darkness?


So you ask me, how is the darkness,
You, who has never felt it before?

It is
when I am lower than my feet
It is
when I see monsters inside fellow humans
It is
when I turn into a monster myself
It is
when I feel a deep well leading into the darkness forever and ever inside my chest to the point that I can not feel anything - even the darkness - any more
It is
when I stare into the eyes of my best friend and know that she is as alien to me as a thousand light years away galaxy and she can not help, when I desparately need it
It is
when I keep the cry of a thousand voices in my chest silent
It is
when I fall so low that I have to gather my bones by pieces and assemble them together to make up what I don't even know what looks like – me
It is
when I hear my mother call me a bitch and drag me by the hair across the long apartment corridor
It is
when I am beaten by a belt with a metal plaque to make me know that
I shouldn't speak!
I shouldn't speak!
I shouldn't speak!
It is
 when I am told to shut up and be silent every day of my life
It is
when I know the rule of being obedient so well that I am ready to vanish in my obedience
It is
when I hear my parents say that happiness does not really exist
It is
when I hear my parents say that such a girl like me is not needed to anyone
It is
when I am being told that I am pathetic and do not have a right for sadness when I cry
It is
when I hate the others on the inside as if they were insects, ribbed, disgusting, disdainful, noones
It is
when my classmates' laughter follows me like a poisonous vermin and stings me every time I make a movement
It is
when my teachers betray my brightest hopes and leave them shattered without a sense of resentment
It is
when I see a sunrise blank through and inside out
It is
when it looks like there is nothing on the outside to live for
 
It is
when I am fighting for my sanity alone in a circle of enemies with friendly smiles
It is
when «dear» ones can not help but hurt
It is
when I deminish myself down into a fly, into a molecule, into an atom, into nothing... as I am told I already am nothing
It is
when i hate myself and all the nonsense i am speaking knowing I am supposed to be happy and not supposed to at the same time.
It is
when i meet myself in my darkest dreams holding a knife ready to stab my own heart
 It is
when I say DAMN IT with such intensity as if it is going to burn me on the place from the inside
It is
when I hear the songs of far away roads die slowly in my heart
It is 
when I watched my friends liveliness fade away in front of my eyes
It is
when I am so hungry for touch that my whole body turns into a fire of lustful desire and pain

It is
when I feel empty like an empty bowl with air sucked out from its bottom
It is
when I felt a black hole in my chest devouring every object around it
It is
when I am hugged only at the verge of an emotional breakdown
It is
when my mom tells me «I love you»  only when I ask for it
It is
when I stay away from home in order to be safe
It is
when I live in one apartment with four garpias
It is
when I feel so lonely as if I am a single star in outer space
It is
when I earn money to heal the depression that my family does not see
It is
when I feel like an invisible girl in a crowd
It is
when I write secret  letters to strangers just to say that my  feelings are real
It is
when I hid my tears from bullying and laughter of my parents

To you,
who has never seen me though looked at me many times,
To you,
who likes your comfort when I am smiling
To  you,
who asks me to live a life for you -
How can I tell it to you if a thousand words in black ink won't be enough to speak the darkness that filled me?
How can I show it to you if the vastest emptyness would not reach that emptiness inside me?
 How can I dance it to you if the movements of that dance will break my body?
How can I sing it to you if a voice of a thousand wells echoing will not create the tension that I felt in the air?
How can I paint it for you if the blackest black is not dark enough to color that darkness?
How can I be it if in the loneliness I have felt I do not exist?
How can I call it a name if all the letters of the languages of Earth gathered in one single sound will not be loud enough to scream it?
How can I do it for You if You don't believe in what You can see?
How can I trust You to see if You are looking through the millions of reflections of TV nonsense?
How can I bend to touch you if your hand is always running away?
How can I feel you from the inside for you?
I could beat you,
I could tear you apart
I could open up your ribcage and cut your heart out
I could put an endless TV screen in your head
I could promise you to be your friend and betray you
I could promise to teach you and forget about you
I could shut down every word you speak
I could dull down every idea you think
I could uproot you and leave you hanging by your own hair
I could scream swears into your ears every day
I could clutch your fists so that you can not move
I could shut your mouth so that you can not speak
I could give you a gift and take it back by a word
I could drive you crazy and leave you alone in a foreign town
 I could ban your happiness
 I could torture you for 22 years
And leave you knowing what the darkness is.

3 comments:

  1. Existential Creativity is infinite and has no meaning. My emptiness embrace nothing and everything in One. ISNESS or SUCHNESS I can't find in any dictionary.
    (not yet, smile)
    Life, God, Existence,Love and Light simply IS...Darkness, Dark Matter, Evil simply IS.
    Words and/or thoughts stops... And then?.. when the unsayble is not sayable,
    and NO-THING is guiding me.
    Amen
    SILENCE IS THE ANSWER

    ReplyDelete
  2. Namaste, Svargo!
    Thank you for the words of silence in here and an unspoken answer to my unspoken question.
    Thank you for your acceptance and loving care!
    Thank you for giving your wisdom to help me!
    With deep gratitude,
    Raagi.

    ReplyDelete
  3. And with a lot of appreciation of the move

    ReplyDelete